Cakes and pies. More cakes and pies. And bread. Lots of bread. My days have most recently been filled with cakes and pies. I guess that this to be expected now that I am a Pastry Chef again. I am still in the  "getting my footing" stage, which makes me uneasy. I am trying to learn menus at several restaurants and getting familiar with the different ovens. I now know that the small oven with missing thermostat is probably not the best idea for baking cheesecakes. I also have found that the reactive pots will turn pie filling grey. I have learned that I must over-utilize my time (if that is even possible) because with now having two days off (WOOO) and two of my remaining days spent as fill in Sous Chef at two different restaurants, I am left with merely three days to make weekly desserts and to perfect desserts for the up-coming week. There is also the complete overhaul that is supposed to happen for the dessert menu for a couple of the restaurants. I am not overwhelmed. Not yet. I just want to wow everyone. This, however has not happened quite yet. I am getting my rhythm though. Once it's steady, just watch out.

Upon discussing the subject of a busy life and filling it further, a perfectly simple truth was spoken by a wise woman. " Those years are going to happen anyway." Why should I not fill my time to the brim? Whether I decide to create, or educate , or grow, or learn, or write, or bake, or not, those years keep on a-comin'. So sadly, 2012 came and went with very little "documentation" on my little blog project. Let me just say, there was enough to fill it. I am not going to play catch up. I will look toward the future (rapidly evolving into today). Come fall, all 5 of my little minions will be off to school each morning. Wow. No more little ones. Wow. Hubby is in his last semester of pre-med. This, of course means the possibility of moving looms closer. There aren't too many medical schools within driving distance of our home. And then there's the new job. Life happens. Situations change. I found myself working in a place that just wasn't quite on the road I had worked so hard and for so long to forge. Something had to happen. I changed the situation. My month long sabbatical is nearing an end. -Yes, I just said I haven't worked in almost a month! (Well, we all know how that goes. Spring cleaning found a winter home.) I am off again on another "new adventure" (as one of my mentors calls it). Believe it, or not, the pastry world is calling my name again. I've got this yo.

                                                                                                                                                                   

These, my friends, are my first two grey hairs.   Sigh.

If I work 75 hour work weeks and come home and change out the locks on the broken doors and give haircuts and push myself until I can't possibly go any farther, is this strength? Is this determination? If I never settle for anything less than the best I can do and even then question the quality and whatever it is I am doing, is it having standards? And how exactly will all of it affect my boys? Will they be persevering and confident, or will they question themselves and never feel adequate?         I pray my boys know that I am in charge of what I make of my life. I work 75 hour weeks because I love what I do. I give haircuts and change out locks because it makes my children's lives better (which, in turn, makes my life better). I push myself and have high expectations of myself because I am confident and know I am capable of anything. If I don't know how to do it, I will learn how. I pray that my sweet children realize what an amazing gift this life is. I pray that they see that my "hardships" are blessings. I pray that I will never take for granted the opportunities I have to constantly become the person I want to be.          

And  for the record, I AM strong. I AM determined. I DO have high standards. Yo.

If I had more hours in the day, I would just fill them up and would still have a daily unfinished to do list. I need to take a breath. I simply don't have the time.

ridiculous things I have recently found myself saying

• don't put grapes in your bellybutton
• no, the toys do not belong in the toilet
• today was a short day. I only worked 11 hours
• no you cannot have a tattoo
• no, you didn't eat the dog

"Can we go outside and play?"
"Yes. Go."
"Can we ride our bikes?"
"Yes. Get them."
"Can we go inside someone's house?"
"No."
"Can they come in? We're just going to watch t.v."
"Yes. Just for 20 minutes. We're about to eat."

Suddenly, there is a little girl with a snow cone (that my son apparently made for her) on the end of my bed, taking off her rain galoshes while watching a cartoon on my television and simultaneously telling me something about her grandmother. On my bed. In my room. Taking her shoes off.

"Does their mother know they're over here?"
"Yes. She's going to come get them at 6:30."

It is now 5. So much for 20 minutes.

I seem to have fallen into the world of pastry. Well, I guess I actually jumped. Upon accepting the title of Sous, I fully knew I would be expected to take over all duties held by the previous Sous. This is common practice. Uncommon is the fact that the previous Sous just happens to be an up-and-coming "Pastry Diva."  Oh, and there's a tasting for big boss man in two days. Yeah. Mousse and ganache and rehydrating fruit and candying nuts and cookie bases and sugar applications and well... yes. Lots of pastry. And I feel slightly shaky. Maybe a sugar rush. Funny thing happened. After my 12 hour day of work, a friend/neighbor had a question about a dessert she was making. I got this weird pit in my stomach. One that said "What if you don't know the answer to her question? What kind of pastry chef would you be?" So she asked. And I knew the answer. No doubts. No having to look it up or having to call the Diva. I knew. It wasn't an uber technical question, but I knew. Not only was I relieved, but I was kind of proud. I guess I have to own what I know and continue learning as I go.

goodbye old white shoes

hello new white shoes

I have always had a hard time with goodbyes.  The first time I went to a sleep away camp without my mother, I was miserable.  When I was 5 and my brother's best friend was moving, I hid in the linen closet and cried when he came over to say his goodbyes. After every visit from my grandparents, I would weep like it was the last time I would see them. This month has been laden with more goodbyes than I am used to. And it's not as if they are the forever kind of goodbyes. I realize this.  It will all just take a lot of adjustment.  And possibly a therapist to help me cope with my newly formed abandonment issues.           Now, from a safe distance (you can't throw fish boxes or pans if you're not in my kitchen anymore) I will say thank you to Chef. So, Thank You. Whether you want to admit it or not, you have been awesome. You have shown patience, and kindness, (at this point, I am looking over my shoulder for imaginary projectiles) and been a mentor to me for the past 3 years. Really. Thank you.          So, with all the crazy changes, I am given a chance to grow and show everyone that I may be goofy, but I'm good at what I do. And I will only get better. Yeah.

There is no question as to where my outlook on life stems. There is no question as to why I strive for things creative. There is no question as to who I try to mirror myself after. 

 My mother (now, undoubtedly deemed the world's greatest grandmother) showed up at my doorstep with what she called the "Sugarplum Fairy Tree." It is in fact a 6 foot, brightly colored tree dripping with candy. Not the boring cinnamon hard candies, or ordinary red and white striped peppermint candy canes, but neon saltwater taffies, candy jewelry, chocolate coins, and tootsie pops. The only candy canes on the tree are rainbow colored. I'm not exaggerating, either. This tree could have easily been pilfered from the set of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Remember the scene in the "chocolate room?" The one where Willy Wonka sings the Pure Imagination song? Yeah. That's the one. So, thank you momma. Thank you for the candy. Thank you for being an amazing, artistic, imaginative, selfless person. I am who I am because of you.

Oh, and thank you for the mad sugar rush that ensued shortly after the tree arrived.

It's official. Yes. Woo. Just call me Seuss Chef. Or I guess Sous Chef would be more fitting. Oh yeah.

I am filled with gratitude. My life is chaotically beautiful. I am overly blessed.  I am  not going to be creative in this post.  Instead, I am going to fall back on the cliche and  list a few of the things I am thankful for. But, just a few. There simply isn't enough time to compile a complete list. It would have to be broken into volumes. Yeah. So here's a compacted list:

• Family who love me. 
• Friends who are constant.
• Beautiful food.
• Guidance.
• Comfort.
• Hysterical laughter spilling from five not-so-tiny-anymore boys.
• The large black dog that meets me at the door (and nearly knocks me over) every time I get home.
• The exhausting mental work done by my husband to ensure a stable future for our family.
• My new memory foam mattress with individually wrapped coils, which  induces an immediate nap upon contact, and the down comforter my sweet husband unknowingly will be getting me for Christmas.

I am really tired of sounding like a frog. I had bronchitis about two weeks ago. I went to the doctor, (which means it was pretty bad, because I don't go to the doctor), who loaded me up with pills, and the bronchitis went away. Unfortunately, the frog voice has remained. One of my three year olds asked me to "sing the sunshine song." I said "I can't sing the sunshine song baby, I have a frog voice." His sweet three year old reply "Ok. Sing it in a frog voice momma." Very frustrating that I can't even sing to my babies. Definately not awesome.

So Starbucks has some pretty tasty seasonal drink choices available right now. I am in love with the Egg Nog Chai. Yummmm. As it may or may not be known, wanting to drink two or even three of these drinks a day and actually having enough cash to do so, are two very different things. Before work a couple of mornings ago (yes before work. I'm talkin wee hours of the morning here) I stopped by my local 24 hr grocery store and purchased a few items that have not only saved me money, but provided me with a bit of happiness, too. I bought a couple of jugs-o-egg-nog and a box of chai tea bags. Woo egg nog chai. So sorry Starbucks. My money will be going toward more important things (like new white work shoes. Oh yeah.). Definitely awesome.

I have been cooking on the line in a French bistro for three years now.  Recently I decided I needed to step up my game and procure the title of  Sous Chef. The intention was not necessarily to become Sous of the kitchen I have become so acquainted with.  In fact, having the two Sous spots at my current job filled, I  actually was thinking the title would have to come from a different restaurant. Last week bittersweet news arose.  The amazing Sous/pastry Chef/world-king-awesome-friend-who-has-my-utmost-respect-and-gratitude, whom I have worked with for the past three years. is moving up and out. She unabashedly (and rightfully so) won over some pretty big name restauranteurs/chefs and now has an amazing new job of which she starts at the end of this month.( http://www.pegasusnews.com/news/2011/sep/12/oak-restaurant-dallas-design-district-hires-ex-man/ ) I have gained so much from this lady that I can't even begin to express my thanks to her. Because of her, not only have I grown in my knowledge of the kitchen and its workings, but I have been given unconditional support and friendship as well. I have yet to actually dwell on the thought that I will no longer be able to spend the mornings acting a fool with and actually enjoying being at work with her. I am so incredibly proud of her, and in no way surprised that this amazing opportunity has found her. (By the way Chef G, we may both be busier than we've ever been in our lives, but don't think just because you're now a fancy smancy restaurant chef that I'm no longer gonna be around. Oh I'll be around. You can't get rid of me that easily. Muhahaha!) So there's some happy and some sad and then there's the uncertain. The uncertain comes from the fact that there is now an unfilled Sous position at my job. I in no way want to step on toes or claim I "deserve" this opportunity, but I want it. I applied online for the position this evening (which seems a little odd) and now I sit and wait. Or stew and wait, as it may be. How awesome it would be to have a couple of days off. And how awesome it would be to be able to be Sous in the kitchen that has been my home for the past few years.  I can only hope that the employment powers that be fully recognize my loyalty and determination and perseverance and all the other characteristics I would like to think that I posses that would make me the optimal choice (*wink*).

I am really astounded by how fast these past few weeks have gone by. Really. Thanksgiving will be here soon and I still have the giant spider and skeleton windsock in the front yard. "I am thankful for creepy yard decorations." But that will only carry me through November. Once December rolls around, I could put Santa hats on them. Or I suppose I could lug the ladder into the front and take them down. Sigh. I spent entirely too long today away from my home. Hubby didn't have to go to school until later than usual. This is a good thing. Bad thing is that I was stuck at the oil change place with a car LONG overdue for a change, and a hungry 4th grader, instead of spending valuable time with my husband whom I very rarely get to see. After finishing a lengthy and boring list of to-do things, I was in no mood to make dinner. Sad. Very sad. Standing in the to-go line at the local pizza place wearing my chef whites. I either looked lazy or like a phony. Just my Halloween costume. I swear. And to think, there was once a life before 70 hour work weeks, when I had the energy to come home and make pizza dough. I will be there again. Soon.

Trick or Treat!

Well, goodbye October. You were definitely a full month. Here is a montage of pictures recording some of the exhausting, hectic, and amazing days you gave me.

Bruvers!

 Birthday!

Thanks a lot sick on my birthday

 Another Birthday!

Creepy crafts

Yeah I wore it to work!

Bathroom reconstruction

Yet Another Birthday

State Fair of Texas

Fitz and the Tantrums

World King Awesome Night!

My sweet girls

Tweedles

My other sweet girls

I am comfortable in my zone. Hence, the term "comfort zone". My zone, however, has been an amorphous area for quite a while now. Things seem to be in constant motion.  Crazy as it may seem, I am finding myself more at ease in these turbulent waters. As my busy-as-me-but-in-different-ways husband says "There is a light at the end of this tunnel." There will, at some point in the future, be a time when my average night of sleep consists of more than 3 hours. There will be a time when I get to see my husband for more than 30 minutes at a time. There will be a time when my children will be able to look back on now, and know they were loved and provided for. I can only hope that  they recognize that the piano lessons, scouts, church, library trips with dad, cookie baking, craft making, homework completing, family trips to the grocery store, and all the other bits of hoopla are not out of obligation, but out of preference. I may be tired, and occasionally on the grumpster side, but I am not going to stop if there is something else I am capable of doing for my family.

                                                   INTERMISSION






Next topic on my agenda for this evening is actually related to the first. Comfort Zone.  I am in the process of picking up my heavy foot and dragging it over the line.  Yeah, actually stepping out of this zone. I am planning on updating my resume and earnestly seeking a job a little higher on the ladder. And I am scared to death. I know I am awesome at what I do. I know I have the experience (and the degree) to expect better. I know there is nothing that I cannot learn to do, if I do not already know how to do it, but I am still shakin in my boots (or kitchen clogs, as the case may be) at the thought of "moving on". I cannot even begin to express the gratitude I have for the people I have been blessed to work with (some of whom will not hear the end of me, even if we no longer work together). Don't get me wrong, I haven't even applied anywhere else yet, so this is definitely not an immediate change, but I think I have climbed to the summit of my current job. I am ready to start the ascension in another kitchen. Yes. Woo.

If I were thinking clearly, I would have been wise enough to get out of bed, even though it was 6 am and I had fallen asleep roughly 3.5 hours earlier (after a 20 hr work day, no less). If I were thinking clearly, I would have been wise enough to get the VERY AWAKE twins some cereal as per their request. Alas, I was tired. I was not thinking clearly. I unwisely told the pair of three year olds that I would get them something to eat "in a little while" and to go play in their room for a little bit. I REALLY should have known better.

No worries. I found that if the tile is mopped 3 or so times, the floor is noticeably less sticky. And the festive feeling of fall-ness is keeping my spirits up. The boys and I crafted a giant spiderweb out of 100 ft of rope and    

hung it in the tree out front with an accompanying ginormous spider. The return of candy corn to the local grocery stores is pretty darn great, too. Oh, and it looks as though I am actually going to get 2 days off this month. Well, kind of. I will work the a.m. at one job, but took the p.m. off from the other, so we can take the boys to the State Fair. I am stoked. Woo.

I cannot even believe it is already October!! Fall is my favorite season. I love that the weather is cooling down enough to leave the windows open. I love putting up fall wreaths and buying pumpkins. I love that I can spray the "Harvest Spice" air fresheners all over my home and not get funny sideways judging looks from anyone who comes in the house. And there are copious amounts of birthdays to celebrate. Woo. Birthdays. Woo. Hopefully this month I will take a few more days off than I did last month. My days off of work grand total for the month of September...... ONE. Well, 1.5 because I took a half day, but I'm not counting that because I came home, did dishes and laundry, took out the trash, mowed the lawn, and then picked the boys up from school. So grand total stays at 1. Come on October, bring your worst. I'm armed with a fall leaf garland and a pumpkin scented candle.

This has been a long week. As my weeks seem to grow longer, I find myself dependent upon a few things:

1. Energy drinks. (bad, I know)
2. Silly texts from my husband.
3. Camaraderie of fellow like-minded cohorts.
4. Good music- which is actually the driving force behind not only my constant crazy dancing and occasional singing, but also the driving force behind my blog post this evening.

I have discovered a new band to love. They are awesome and make me want to dance. Check them out.http://youtu.be/81c3nn-7EUU

And if you happen to be in Dallas October 26, they will be playing at the House of Blues.
You bet your life I'm going to be there. And I will be dancing my booty off, guaranteed.

If only the easiest things in life were also the most rewarding. We'd all have it made. Too bad that's not the plan.