Cakes and pies. More cakes and pies. And bread. Lots of bread. My days have most recently been filled with cakes and pies. I guess that this to be expected now that I am a Pastry Chef again. I am still in the  "getting my footing" stage, which makes me uneasy. I am trying to learn menus at several restaurants and getting familiar with the different ovens. I now know that the small oven with missing thermostat is probably not the best idea for baking cheesecakes. I also have found that the reactive pots will turn pie filling grey. I have learned that I must over-utilize my time (if that is even possible) because with now having two days off (WOOO) and two of my remaining days spent as fill in Sous Chef at two different restaurants, I am left with merely three days to make weekly desserts and to perfect desserts for the up-coming week. There is also the complete overhaul that is supposed to happen for the dessert menu for a couple of the restaurants. I am not overwhelmed. Not yet. I just want to wow everyone. This, however has not happened quite yet. I am getting my rhythm though. Once it's steady, just watch out.

Upon discussing the subject of a busy life and filling it further, a perfectly simple truth was spoken by a wise woman. " Those years are going to happen anyway." Why should I not fill my time to the brim? Whether I decide to create, or educate , or grow, or learn, or write, or bake, or not, those years keep on a-comin'. So sadly, 2012 came and went with very little "documentation" on my little blog project. Let me just say, there was enough to fill it. I am not going to play catch up. I will look toward the future (rapidly evolving into today). Come fall, all 5 of my little minions will be off to school each morning. Wow. No more little ones. Wow. Hubby is in his last semester of pre-med. This, of course means the possibility of moving looms closer. There aren't too many medical schools within driving distance of our home. And then there's the new job. Life happens. Situations change. I found myself working in a place that just wasn't quite on the road I had worked so hard and for so long to forge. Something had to happen. I changed the situation. My month long sabbatical is nearing an end. -Yes, I just said I haven't worked in almost a month! (Well, we all know how that goes. Spring cleaning found a winter home.) I am off again on another "new adventure" (as one of my mentors calls it). Believe it, or not, the pastry world is calling my name again. I've got this yo.

                                                                                                                                                                   

These, my friends, are my first two grey hairs.   Sigh.

If I work 75 hour work weeks and come home and change out the locks on the broken doors and give haircuts and push myself until I can't possibly go any farther, is this strength? Is this determination? If I never settle for anything less than the best I can do and even then question the quality and whatever it is I am doing, is it having standards? And how exactly will all of it affect my boys? Will they be persevering and confident, or will they question themselves and never feel adequate?         I pray my boys know that I am in charge of what I make of my life. I work 75 hour weeks because I love what I do. I give haircuts and change out locks because it makes my children's lives better (which, in turn, makes my life better). I push myself and have high expectations of myself because I am confident and know I am capable of anything. If I don't know how to do it, I will learn how. I pray that my sweet children realize what an amazing gift this life is. I pray that they see that my "hardships" are blessings. I pray that I will never take for granted the opportunities I have to constantly become the person I want to be.          

And  for the record, I AM strong. I AM determined. I DO have high standards. Yo.

If I had more hours in the day, I would just fill them up and would still have a daily unfinished to do list. I need to take a breath. I simply don't have the time.

ridiculous things I have recently found myself saying

• don't put grapes in your bellybutton
• no, the toys do not belong in the toilet
• today was a short day. I only worked 11 hours
• no you cannot have a tattoo
• no, you didn't eat the dog

"Can we go outside and play?"
"Yes. Go."
"Can we ride our bikes?"
"Yes. Get them."
"Can we go inside someone's house?"
"No."
"Can they come in? We're just going to watch t.v."
"Yes. Just for 20 minutes. We're about to eat."

Suddenly, there is a little girl with a snow cone (that my son apparently made for her) on the end of my bed, taking off her rain galoshes while watching a cartoon on my television and simultaneously telling me something about her grandmother. On my bed. In my room. Taking her shoes off.

"Does their mother know they're over here?"
"Yes. She's going to come get them at 6:30."

It is now 5. So much for 20 minutes.

I seem to have fallen into the world of pastry. Well, I guess I actually jumped. Upon accepting the title of Sous, I fully knew I would be expected to take over all duties held by the previous Sous. This is common practice. Uncommon is the fact that the previous Sous just happens to be an up-and-coming "Pastry Diva."  Oh, and there's a tasting for big boss man in two days. Yeah. Mousse and ganache and rehydrating fruit and candying nuts and cookie bases and sugar applications and well... yes. Lots of pastry. And I feel slightly shaky. Maybe a sugar rush. Funny thing happened. After my 12 hour day of work, a friend/neighbor had a question about a dessert she was making. I got this weird pit in my stomach. One that said "What if you don't know the answer to her question? What kind of pastry chef would you be?" So she asked. And I knew the answer. No doubts. No having to look it up or having to call the Diva. I knew. It wasn't an uber technical question, but I knew. Not only was I relieved, but I was kind of proud. I guess I have to own what I know and continue learning as I go.